Friday, June 29, 2012

My heart hurts.

It's excruciating. I've never felt this much hurt at once. Easily this is the hardest thing I've been through.

I thought I had everything in my hands. I thought I had it all figured out. Everything I wanted. A man I loved and he loved me too. We had it all planned out. The dress, the receptions, flight tickets were purchased....and all of the sudden, it's just g o n e . Like it never happened. Like it just up and walked out the door with only this hole in my heart as a souvenir.

What I don't understand is that we decided to put everything on the back burner when we were on the cruise, and it was perfect. It was a prime example of that we love each other and we can put things aside to work on that love...which is really what we need to do. If we work on our love and our relationship with Heavenly Father, everything will work itself out.

But he's analyitical. He takes every little detail and drives himself crazy trying to figure out whatever is going through his mind. It makes me think he's coming up with an excuse to not marry me. Some have said that if he really wanted to be with me, he would not have taken that ring home with him. But I gave it to him. I didn't want it sitting on my dresser with me staring at it and wondering when I could wear it again...if I could wear it again....

I'm so confused on what I'm doing now. Mom says I need to decide on school within the next week. I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. I just want to lay in bed and stay in my room forever. But at the same time, I just want to leave. I just want to go.

We don't even know how to talk to each other. It's all turned into arguments and saying things we don't mean. And yet I'm the one that always comes back and tries to make it right. I've always done that. I've always been that one. I am trying to help him understand everything while my family thinks I'm chasing him and trying to convince him to marry me.

I just want someone to love me. No conditions. No buts. Just someone to love me and that be the main priority. Someone who loves me so much, they don't care about the other things, they love me enough to work through it. That's what a marriage is. That's what it's about. Being with someone you love and working out whatever you need to. I can't even begin to explain how I'm tired and worn out and probably traumatized to give anyone my heart again for a while.

It always ends like this.
I thought he was the one to prove me differently.
He even put a ring on my finger.

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