Anyone can tell you that they love you. That they want to be with you. That they want to marry you and raise a family with you. And it's up to you to believe them. To trust that they mean it and realize it when they don't. It's giving the other person the power to destroy you and trusting them not to at the same time. And sure, they may show that in their actions for a while. They may be 100% committed to you for some time. That's really all it takes for you to feel like they really mean it.
But it just takes one slip, one person to get in the way, to make you doubt everything you ever knew about this person you trusted your heart with. Especially when they let another girl get in the way. I'd lie if I said I wasn't kicking myself when it was all said and done. A girl got in the way and he let her. He let her destroy me and ruin my reputation with a lot of people. He didn't stick up for me like he should have. I didn't doubt that he cared about me, but his actions towards her and the situation just didn't match up with what I thought he felt. And I fought. I fought hard for him. I stood up for him to everyone I knew. And, while he was telling me he had plans for us, was still saying the same things and treating her the same way. He knew of the hell I went through for him. He knew it.
I wish I could say I hated him and was so mad at him for doing that. But I can't. I just tried to love him even more. Tried to prove to him that he was making a mistake by giving her that attention. Lord knows if I didn't prove it then, he will realize it eventually when he realizes she's not right for him. I tripped over myself so many times. It breaks my heart thinking of how much I loved him and how much he just kept hurting me. I still cry about it sometimes. It just makes me think, if he really did love me, she wouldn't even have been a problem to begin with.
Someone I had such a great friendship with and had some of my best times with. It really sucks to think that it might've not meant as much to him. Every time he left my house, I cried because I knew he would just be going back to the girl that didn't deserve him and couldn't care about him nearly as much as I did. The girl that lived/s in ignorance and really believes she is the only one he has ever loved. I know deep down, she knows that is not true. I pity her for creating this alternate world. I'm not the first girl he's been in this situation with when it came to her. Which, I think, should say something about their relationship. I honestly find it really sad and I feel bad for her when I think of how she has literally been waiting for him to come back. After all of the crap he has put her through and drama she has created for him. I just hope he is at least a little smarter when he returns.
Again, I wish I could say I have bad feelings towards him, but I don't. His light still shines very bright in my eyes, and I wish him the very best in all he does. I still care about him so much. I want him to be successful in life and I want him to be happy. I genuinely and wholeheartedly mean that. I do love him in that sense. I want him to find what he's been looking for. And, to be honest, one of my biggest wishes for him is that he will go off to college and meet a girl there. I don't want him to stay around here and just date who's left over in our stake/nearby stakes. I really want him to go out and live life and date girls outside of this place. I want him to really find it.
Thinking of my life now, I've realized what I was missing back then. Sure, I had the good times, but now I actually have someone where I am the only girl. I don't have to share. I don't have to deal with catty girls that have nothing better to do than talk crap about me online to people I know. Than to try to make themselves look better by talking so badly about me. He is all mine. And sadly, I don't remember ever having that because the other guy took up so much of my time. My new boyfriend really cares about me, and I know he means it when he says it. I can tell. And I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has finally put a guy in my life that can reciprocate my feelings and not have anything holding him back. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for right now, I'm so happy with this relationship. :)
I don't regret anything I've been through up to this point. I've learned so much about love. I care about everyone that is in my past thusfar. I don't regret being with the guy that broke my heart. I don't regret any of it. If anything, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am capable of loving someone as much as I cared about him. And I still do. I know I will be able to have that love for someone that will truly appreciate and return it without question. And that will be the most beautiful thing I could ever ask for. I still consider him one of my closest friends, as we write often and share stories. I have seen/read his letters and am watching him grow up into the man I always saw him as, and still see him as. I am proud of him. We will always be a part of each other. And I am thankful for that.
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