One of those days.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-
​rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”


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This stuff shouldn't bother me. But it does. So much. Why, you ask? Hell if I know. I can't help it. Don't people understand? Can't they just watch what they say? Why is it that I'M always the one that gets these blows? Why can't someone just be considerate? How did I get caught up in this? Are they really "neutral"? Doesn't seem like it. All the sudden I just feel so inadequate. Like people are just nice to me because they know I'm there. I'm just SO frustrated with my life right now. I want out. I want to get out of here. I want to go somewhere where no one can find me. Change my name. I'm just tired and worn out and I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Lately I feel like the Lord has just been pushing me and pushing me. I know He won't put me through anything I can't handle, but dang, I'm sure at the edge of that cliff. I don't know what to do or who to freaking talk to. I lost some of my closest friends this summer. And there are others that I could talk to about it, but I just don't really want to bring it up again. I feel like I'm bothersome to people. I thought I was over being upset about this. But there are just some things that pop up that feels like someone is pushing a pin in my heart, not caring at all about it.

Blah. I know I'm just complaining about things. Life really isn't that bad. But it's hard to be so optimistic when so much has happened in such a short amount of time.
Eff.
:'(