Married? WHAT?!

Yep, that's right ya'll!

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

:D :D :D

Breathe...

"Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. Every bump in the road I tried to swerve. People like people and sometimes it doesn't work out, but nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to. I'm sorry, I'm sorry...."

It's done.

Saying Goodbye.

I swore to myself I'd never let it go. I wanted to prove to him that I would be there until the end. But I guess Heavenly Father has another plan. I never thought it would come to this. I've written it. I'm waiting for the right moment. It's so scary. I'm terrified. I've cried for hours about it. I've gotten the impression and confirmation that I should do it. But if anyone, I know what it's like to not be able to choose. I've been there. I don't want to put anyone else through that. Especially the ones I love. I think I found the one for me. And this is the only way for me to really know. It's the only way for me to move forward to my future. I have support from so many people, you'd think it wouldn't be so bad. But right now, I am just trying to muster up the courage to do it and get the faith that it will all be okay. That he'll be okay. That I'll be okay. I've been praying like crazy and it's been helping a little bit. I just need to remember that I did the best I could. I guess that's all that really matters. There are going to be some people that will shout for joy, one will feel like she won. He's told me otherwise and continues to tell me every few weeks. This is trying my stubborn-ness. But you know what? It was never a contest. I love him and I'm so proud of him and the difference he is making. He is going to be an amazing husband, father, and even a Bishop one day. Maybe one day we will be able to be friends again. I'm not ready for this change, but you know what they say, when you're forced out of your comfort zone, it's the Lord's doing.

Now I'm just waiting for the right moment to send it....

I saw this quote today (ironically) and found it helpful.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us...If we will put our trust in Him, if we pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

It's in His hands now.

Lots of thinking.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the past. I know it's not good to do that. I'm not trying to live in it; just reflecting on things that have lead me to where I am right now. Especially emotionally and relationship wise. This kinda turned into something different than I originally planned for. Just some thoughts....well, here you go. This is what I've come up with.

Anyone can tell you that they love you. That they want to be with you. That they want to marry you and raise a family with you. And it's up to you to believe them. To trust that they mean it and realize it when they don't. It's giving the other person the power to destroy you and trusting them not to at the same time. And sure, they may show that in their actions for a while. They may be 100% committed to you for some time. That's really all it takes for you to feel like they really mean it.

But it just takes one slip, one person to get in the way, to make you doubt everything you ever knew about this person you trusted your heart with. Especially when they let another girl get in the way. I'd lie if I said I wasn't kicking myself when it was all said and done. A girl got in the way and he let her. He let her destroy me and ruin my reputation with a lot of people. He didn't stick up for me like he should have. I didn't doubt that he cared about me, but his actions towards her and the situation just didn't match up with what I thought he felt. And I fought. I fought hard for him. I stood up for him to everyone I knew. And, while he was telling me he had plans for us, was still saying the same things and treating her the same way. He knew of the hell I went through for him. He knew it.

I wish I could say I hated him and was so mad at him for doing that. But I can't. I just tried to love him even more. Tried to prove to him that he was making a mistake by giving her that attention. Lord knows if I didn't prove it then, he will realize it eventually when he realizes she's not right for him. I tripped over myself so many times. It breaks my heart thinking of how much I loved him and how much he just kept hurting me. I still cry about it sometimes. It just makes me think, if he really did love me, she wouldn't even have been a problem to begin with.

Someone I had such a great friendship with and had some of my best times with. It really sucks to think that it might've not meant as much to him. Every time he left my house, I cried because I knew he would just be going back to the girl that didn't deserve him and couldn't care about him nearly as much as I did. The girl that lived/s in ignorance and really believes she is the only one he has ever loved. I know deep down, she knows that is not true. I pity her for creating this alternate world. I'm not the first girl he's been in this situation with when it came to her. Which, I think, should say something about their relationship. I honestly find it really sad and I feel bad for her when I think of how she has literally been waiting for him to come back. After all of the crap he has put her through and drama she has created for him. I just hope he is at least a little smarter when he returns.

Again, I wish I could say I have bad feelings towards him, but I don't. His light still shines very bright in my eyes, and I wish him the very best in all he does. I still care about him so much. I want him to be successful in life and I want him to be happy. I genuinely and wholeheartedly mean that. I do love him in that sense. I want him to find what he's been looking for. And, to be honest, one of my biggest wishes for him is that he will go off to college and meet a girl there. I don't want him to stay around here and just date who's left over in our stake/nearby stakes. I really want him to go out and live life and date girls outside of this place. I want him to really find it.

Thinking of my life now, I've realized what I was missing back then. Sure, I had the good times, but now I actually have someone where I am the only girl. I don't have to share. I don't have to deal with catty girls that have nothing better to do than talk crap about me online to people I know. Than to try to make themselves look better by talking so badly about me. He is all mine. And sadly, I don't remember ever having that because the other guy took up so much of my time. My new boyfriend really cares about me, and I know he means it when he says it. I can tell. And I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has finally put a guy in my life that can reciprocate my feelings and not have anything holding him back. I'm not sure what the future holds, but for right now, I'm so happy with this relationship. :)

I don't regret anything I've been through up to this point. I've learned so much about love. I care about everyone that is in my past thusfar. I don't regret being with the guy that broke my heart. I don't regret any of it. If anything, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am capable of loving someone as much as I cared about him. And I still do. I know I will be able to have that love for someone that will truly appreciate and return it without question. And that will be the most beautiful thing I could ever ask for. I still consider him one of my closest friends, as we write often and share stories. I have seen/read his letters and am watching him grow up into the man I always saw him as, and still see him as. I am proud of him. We will always be a part of each other. And I am thankful for that.

Huh.

So when the new girl your dating/girlfriend/whoever hates one of your best friends, that should be a sign that things probably won't work out.

Just sayin'.

People can be so _____________.

News news news.

Sooo, updates.

I am now a girlfriend! Officially. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Haha or at least, it would be cooler if I could see the boy. But that's okay, I bought a ticket out to St. Louis for Spring Break. 33 days! Ahhh! So far!

I'm so happy that we have decided to make it official and be more committed to each other. We've been talking for a couple months, and it's pretty obvious we have mutual feelings towards each other. Yeaahhh.....the distance is kinda sucky, but the way I see it, it'll make us appreciate the time we have together even more! He makes me happy. That's really all that matters right now. :) I'd say we're building a pretty good friendship and relationship.

School is fine. I'm trying to keep my grades up this semester even more than before! Bah. And of course, I love my friends. I really do have the best support system, in all aspects.

However, on the downside...

I'm pretty sure I lost one of my closest friends. I don't see him or hear from him hardly as much as I used to. I don't really know what all is going on with him and I miss being around him. We've talked about it, and it seemed like things would get a little better, but it's the same. He says that our friendship means a lot to him, and I'm sure he meant that, and I know he's busy...but I can't help but feel like our connection really has disappeared. And I'd lie if I said it didn't break my heart a little. I miss the way things were. But I feel dumb always asking to hang out and him not being able to. I guess I've just assumed he doesn't want to. :/ He hangs out with his other friends, and I'm so glad he does; I can tell he's a lot happier. That's really all I want--for him to be happier than he was last semester. I guess I just wish I was a part of it.

But, I guess life just kind of works out that way, and we have to get used to it. I definitely wish it wasn't that way though. I'm trying not to take it all so personally and try to just focus on the good: He's happier. That was the plan. That was the goal. I did what I could.

So why am I having a hard time with it?

Anyway...yeah, that's all the news here.

All About Your Heart

So yesterday, singer/songwriter Mindy Gledhill was at SVU!

She is very inspirational. I wasn't very familiar with her music, but I went to the concert last night anyway. I loved listening to her sing. Her music is so chill. I was super relaxed and just uplifted. The stage in Chandler was all decorated with random things her and Garret Bernal found on campus. It looked very cool! I was so mad that I forgot my camera! I think I'll take someone's pictures and credit them once some are posted. It was pretty sweet. All of her songs had stories behind them and I loved listening to what sparked ideas for each song. There was one that especially touched me. It's called All About Your Heart. As I was listening to her sing it and the freaking sweet acoustics to go along with it, it made me think of someone that I hold dear to my heart.

While we've only known each other for a few months, this song reminded me that no matter what you've been through or how broken you feel, it's not about all of that. It's about the person you are and where you're going. I've had the privilege of becoming very close friends with this person and I am so thankful that he is in my life. It's true, he's been to hell and back. But I (and other people that know him and his situation) can see that he truly is an amazing person and has such a kind heart. I know one day that he will be ridiculously happy and see why Heavenly Father put him through these times. This song may be a kind of lovey-dovey song, but I didn't take it that way. He is my friend. Here are the lyrics:

All About Your Heart

I don't mind your odd behavior

It's the very thing I love

If you were an ice cream flavor

You would be my favorite one

My imagination sees you

Like a painting by Van Gogh

Starry nights and bright sunflowers

Follow you where you may go

Oh, I've loved you from the start

In every single way

And more each passing day

You are brighter than the stars

Believe me when I say

It's not about your scars

It's all about your heart

You're a butterfly held captive

Small and safe in your cocoon

Go on you can take your time

Time is said to heal all wounds

Like a lock without a key

Like a mystery without a clue

There is no me if I cannot have you

You could say I'm a fan. :)