Hm.

I haven't posted here in a while. A lot has happened and I have a private blog for the super personal stuff. Name dropping and venting is for that. So in case anyone even reads this that is why I haven't posted here in a while. Haha.

I have really been thinking about my mission lately. I am SO ready to go. I will admit I am pretty scared but I just wanna get out of here! I'm ready to do something meaningful and right for a change. This is such a hard transition in my life and I think I lost one of my best friends recently. I hate it and pray for it to be okay and work out, but it's true that Heavenly Father has a plan and intends for certain things to work out, but then someone will make a wrong choice...and it changes. I really want things to be okay but for now I just don't think they are. I love this person dearly but I guess you have to let things go for a while to let someone figure their shiz out.

Anyway, that was a rant ha. There are just things like that that makes me want to get out of here and just help people come unto Christ and be happy. And I know it'll be hard but I also know it will bring me happiness, too.

Bah.

TWO. WEEKS.

Trying not to be too outwardly excited over it. Trying to keep it cool and keep things in check.

But Elder Spurlin gets home in 2 weeks! I'm so excited to see him. :)

Yayy!!

Some people...

Someone just told me they didn't want anything to do with me anymore because I've shown "very little growth" as of late. Haha.... Let me see...

-My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, survived, and is now going through liver and lung cancer. I've learned love and patience through this. I've learned how families need to stick together during these times. Especially since we don't know when the last time we can be a big family will be. Especially now.
-I've gained and lost friends right and left and have had to realize how I need to be my number one priority before I try to let someone else be a priority.
-I've learned how to truly forgive someone, even someone very much closer to me than this person ever was.
-I've been tested and tried and the Lord has really been there for me. And I'm learning now to rely on Him and be willing to do what He says. So far, so good. My spirituality isn't in its prime, but I'm certainly trying to get back to where I was last year. And that was perfection. I'm so close.
-Oh, and I fell in love, enough to be married, and was left by myself a month before my wedding. WHICH, by the way, I'm still trying to deal with.

You say I like drama? Well, have you ever thought that maybe some of us aren't as well off as others?! Sorry I'm not having the happiest life like you are. My bad.

So let me tell you something,
You haven't even cared to talk to me, ask how I'm doing, or even just see what's going on in my life. So how do you know what I've been going through or trying to overcome. How dare you say I have not grown at all. I am definitely not the person that I was when we were super close, but I damn well am more of a woman than I was then.
So you can sit there and tell me I haven't grown at all. That's fine. It seems you haven't either, if that's the case. Try forgiveness and open-mindedness. Maybe not judging others? I dunno. It could do you some good.

And this is fine with me, because now I don't have to worry about what you think.

Packed Up Some Stuff Today

I really don't want to move on, but I need to. This hurts so much to have to pack it all up. Valentines Day gifts, things from Nauvoo, notes sent back and forth, stuffed animals, cologne, sweatshirts....

I wish this wasn't so hard. What went wrong?

Untitled.

This sucks.

I have separation anxiety, I just know it. I can't stand being alone or by myself. When friends come over, and then when they leave I get hit with this uncontrollable feeling that I'm alone. And while physically, I am. I mean emotionally and mentally. Ever since he left I've just had this agonizing feeling of being alone. He's the only one I want to talk to. But I can't. He won't let me and I need to try to let go. But it's so hard. I wrapped my whole life around him....I miss him so much. I just want him to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. But it's not and he won't. My heart hurts all the time and the only way to get it to go away is if I'm around friends and family. Most the time I don't want to be around anyone. I can't get him off my mind and I can't get this hurt to go away....

Feeling weird.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. Just hurting I guess. My heart longs for him to come back, but I know it won't work. Making yourself move on when all you want to do is fight for it really sucks. I'm starting to lose my appetite again. Grrreeeat. I feel like crying all the time. I hear our songs, or songs that freaking remind me of him and it just makes me want to jump on a plane. But you can't change anyone's mind. Nothing you do will do that. At least, it shouldn't. Because then everything will be just out of pity.


I just want someone to love me and actually STAY with me. Someone that will do whatever it takes to make me thiers. Someone that would go to the ends of the earth for me. Every time I think I've found it, I'm given a reason otherwise. I don't know what to do. I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with my best friend, and now we don't talk much anymore.

How much more do I have to take? Haven't I been through enough?

My heart hurts.

It's excruciating. I've never felt this much hurt at once. Easily this is the hardest thing I've been through.

I thought I had everything in my hands. I thought I had it all figured out. Everything I wanted. A man I loved and he loved me too. We had it all planned out. The dress, the receptions, flight tickets were purchased....and all of the sudden, it's just g o n e . Like it never happened. Like it just up and walked out the door with only this hole in my heart as a souvenir.

What I don't understand is that we decided to put everything on the back burner when we were on the cruise, and it was perfect. It was a prime example of that we love each other and we can put things aside to work on that love...which is really what we need to do. If we work on our love and our relationship with Heavenly Father, everything will work itself out.

But he's analyitical. He takes every little detail and drives himself crazy trying to figure out whatever is going through his mind. It makes me think he's coming up with an excuse to not marry me. Some have said that if he really wanted to be with me, he would not have taken that ring home with him. But I gave it to him. I didn't want it sitting on my dresser with me staring at it and wondering when I could wear it again...if I could wear it again....

I'm so confused on what I'm doing now. Mom says I need to decide on school within the next week. I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. I just want to lay in bed and stay in my room forever. But at the same time, I just want to leave. I just want to go.

We don't even know how to talk to each other. It's all turned into arguments and saying things we don't mean. And yet I'm the one that always comes back and tries to make it right. I've always done that. I've always been that one. I am trying to help him understand everything while my family thinks I'm chasing him and trying to convince him to marry me.

I just want someone to love me. No conditions. No buts. Just someone to love me and that be the main priority. Someone who loves me so much, they don't care about the other things, they love me enough to work through it. That's what a marriage is. That's what it's about. Being with someone you love and working out whatever you need to. I can't even begin to explain how I'm tired and worn out and probably traumatized to give anyone my heart again for a while.


It always ends like this.
I thought he was the one to prove me differently.
He even put a ring on my finger.